I went to bed early last night to try to make up for the unrestful sleep I had during the day after my shift.
I woke up at 2:30am for no good reason and instinctively looked at my phone-I had 2 new texts from Jane.
Jane says,"are you ok?"
I take a sec to think, as the tears start to fall for the millioneth time it seems in the last 24 hours....
No, I am not ok.
I am not dead inside
I feel trapped (trapt?) by insecurities
I have lost my box and I can't find it
I feel dark and twisty AND scary and damaged NOT bright and shiny
I am stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it
I am incapable of expressing myself verbally
I need to get out of this apartment and do something
I need to get dressed in something other than scrubs
I need closure
I realize there are so many things in life that are out of my control
I hate being out of control
I am not supposed to be emotionally involved
I am not progressing
I don't know how to progress
I know that life isn't fair, it's been beaten into my head since childhood
I feel selfish
I am trying to understand
I hold myself to standards that are impossible to reach
I feel inadequate
I am feeling very human, so.....no
I am not ok
4 comments:
Call me if you need to talk--I would love to come meet you for lunch and a diet coke!
OK, I know how you are feeling. And its frustrating to have those days, weeks, months that feel like you just plain aren't ok.
Baby steps, lots of prayer and some good diet cokes always help me. Not that you need advice.
But, dang I love you friend. Thank you for being honest with us in blogland as to how you are doing.
Need a trip to Seattle? Flights are cheap right now and there is a bed waiting for you.
XO-call me anytime.
Thanks guys! I appreciate the love and I know you're there for me/here for me :o). I definitely need some diet coke and some girl time here in SLC and in Seattle. Seriously.
Well if you are going to Seattle, then you might as well come to Birmingham!! You would always be welcome. Hope you feel better- I find that if you combine Diet Coke with chocolate and a good chick flick that could help as well. A new pair of shoes helps too!
Miss you!!
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